Kushina's Boyfriend
by Lucillia
Summary: Prequel to Naruto's BFF. Madara tries to free the Kyuubi early. Things go south for him when he compliments Kushina's hair, and she decides that it is love at first sight. Madara is soon forced to defend his chastity from his would-be suitor.
1. Madara's Mistake

A sixteen year-old girl named Uzumaki Kushina had been sitting in the rented room in the inn she was staying at on the way back to Konoha after the completion of her latest mission and reading one of the romance novels that had been part of Mito-sama's collection while eating chocolate when the masked stranger arrived. Reading romance novels and eating chocolate had become a habit she indulged in when she was feeling down, and she had been feeling particularly down in the moments before she fell unconscious prior to her being spirited away from the inn by said masked stranger. Earlier that day, she had had a rather vicious argument with her rival turned boyfriend Namikaze Minato who had wanted to return to Konoha posthaste, which had meant another three days of straight slogging across flatlands through mud while rain poured down on the team without any chance of a hot bath any time soon, and they had broken up. Again. For the third time that week. Eventually she'd won the argument, but the damage had been done, and her victory had been spoiled by her foul mood over the latest break-up.

She had gotten to the good part of the story where Kimiko, Ariko, Noriko, and Watari professed their love for each-other in a most beautiful act that spanned nearly twenty pages when the stranger had appeared and knocked her out. When she came to, she found herself in a cavern where she had been chained to a pair of pillars. It had probably been because of what she had been reading earlier, and what she'd been reading before that but, rather than finding herself afraid and searching for a way out or hoping that her team would come and rescue her soon, she found herself thinking that the place she was in reminded her of what she had pictured during that one scene in the novel she had read earlier that day right after she had checked herself and the rest of her grateful team who had been near mutiny themselves into the inn. The scene in which the villain of the story had rather forcefully confessed his love for the heroine before the hero arrived.

It was at that point, when she was remembering the not-so-tender moment between that poor misunderstood man and that woman who didn't seem to realize that you could pick more than one man to spend the rest of your life with like Hanako had done in that one novel that had been written by that guy who had been named after a kind of soup, that the standard type of masked villain that usually went around harassing young maidens by chaining them to things in order to lure their lovers into a death trap appeared.

"So beautiful." he said in a smooth voice that was almost a purr as he lifted a lock of her incredibly long red hair that so far only Minato had found pretty. "It's a pity that..."

"Minato-teme and I broke up, so I don't have a boyfriend anymore." she said as she freed herself from the chains using a jutsu she had come up with to remove chains in-case she was kidnapped again.

She was able to do this because she had a seal on her that countered the most common types of Chakra suppressing seals for the same reason. The Chakra suppressing seal on the chains had been the standard one the Uchiha usually used, and was therefore nullified because she had added a counter to the Uchiha seal to her anti-Chakra-suppression-seal seal after that one time she had been arrested, and they had made her sit alone in a room with nothing to do for three whole days. That had to have been cruel and unusual punishment of some kind.

"I'm all yours!" she exclaimed as she launched herself at the man who had complimented her hair.

This was obviously meant to be. Minato had finally said something unforgivable and broken her heart, and another man who found her hair beautiful appeared to take his place and fix her broken heart. All that was left was planning what sort of wedding she wanted, traditional Whirlpool, traditional Konohan, or skyclad, like in that one book.

* * *

Uchiha Madara had spent many hours imagining how the releasing the Kyuubi from the second Jinchuriki's seal would go, and the way events had actually played out had been nowhere near what he'd expected...

He had waited until the girl was awake before he got down to the business of opening the seal and freeing the Kyuubi, as he had wanted revenge on Mito and had been forced to settle for the woman's replacement instead since the Senju Bastard Hashirama's widow had been too well guarded. Because of this, he had wanted the child to feel every bit of the agony of his vengeance denied.

When the girl had awoken, he had stepped out of the darkness, choosing to intimidate the girl who was little more than a child in his eyes despite the fact that she was near womanhood in order to make her feel fear as well as pain as she died. His first move after stepping out of the shadows had been to grab a lock of the girl's rather entrancing crimson hair that was the color of freshly spilled blood, and commented on its beauty. A move that was practically guaranteed to make a girl as aesthetically pleasing to the eye as she was feel terror as she worried about exactly how he would take advantage of her, and came up with progressively worse scenarios with each passing moment.

Rather than seeing dawning terror in the girl's eyes as she unexpectedly freed herself from her restraints, he saw something else entirely, something that had almost frightened **him** as she launched herself at him.

Instead of immediately attacking him when he had hit the floor with her on top of him and therefore with the advantage, the girl had pulled his mask half-way up his face and rather passionately kissed him.

Yes, this had most definitely not gone to plan...

* * *

**Author's note**: For those who are feeling somewhat confused about exactly what Kushina had been reading, Mito had disguised her porn as romance novels and didn't tell the rather young Kushina who had inherited her stuff after she died that she had done so.


	2. It's All About The Chase

Madara told himself he wasn't fleeing. He wasn't fleeing. He was just avoiding an unwanted display of affection. It would seem that he had accidentally encouraged the deranged Uzumaki girl when he hadn't pulled away from the kiss fast enough, because the next thing she did was reach for the button that fastened his pants. It was at that point that he decided that it would be best to be elsewhere.

Most men probably would have killed to be in the position he had been in before he'd made his tactical retreat. A hot Kunoichi like the Uzumaki girl was just about any man's dream. He however hadn't been in the mood, and generally wasn't. For the most part, he was asexual, as he saw little point to the activity in question. That didn't mean that he couldn't appreciate feminine beauty when he saw it, he just generally didn't give enough of a damn about it to attempt to follow through to the logical end that most males sought though. Add to that the fact that the girl was an Uzumaki, and that became the furthest thing from his mind.

As far as he was concerned, that was one grenade he was glad that the Senju had jumped on for the good of the continent. If it hadn't been for the introduction of their genes into the line, the Uzumaki would have caused Armageddon long before now. Before the Senju had started marrying into the clan, the word "restraint" hadn't been in their vocabulary. As it was, there were some portions of the clan that it hadn't yet reached, and it looked like this girl belonged to one of them.

Rather than taking her second chance at life and running with it like she should have done after he'd made his tactical retreat, the Uzumaki girl was doing something else entirely. She was running alright, running after him that was.

"Come back darling!" the Uzumaki girl called after him as she pursued him. "I wasn't finished! You haven't even gotten your blow job yet!"

It was at that point most men would have turned around. His brother would have, his best friend when he was a kid would have, in fact, just about every breathing male in his clan would have despite the fact that a number of them would have gotten into serious trouble with their wives immediately afterward. Heck, even that Senju bastard would've. Every last one of those poor bastards would have been doomed the instant they did so however.

He knew to keep running. He knew better to fall for that particular trap. He had seen what had happened to the poor bastards who had gotten themselves involved with an Uzumaki. Considering what the Uzumaki women were like the instant you crossed them, it was amazing that that clan hadn't died out long ago. It was frankly amazing that that Senju bastard had survived with that wife of his for as long as he did, and he was half convinced that the man had gone out into that final battle to get away from her.

After his tactical retreat failed badly, he ran and ran for hours, and, just as he was beginning to tire and started resigning himself to the fact that the Uzumaki girl who had followed him every step of the way would eventually catch up to him, and probably even manage to have her way with him, which was something he was dreading because of the afterward, the horrible afterward that his brother had gone through after he'd made the mistake of sleeping with an Uzumaki, he was rescued. The manner of his rescue left much to be desired, but at that point, he wasn't very picky. He would have been happy to see both the Senju bastard and his brother back from the dead at that point if it would get the Uzumaki girl to stop chasing him.

Apparently, the Uzumaki girl's kidnapping had not gone unnoticed, and her squad leader had set out to rescue her. It wasn't really her that needed rescuing, but the dumb blond couldn't seem to process that fact however. When it came to the Uzumaki girl's team leader, rescuing his teammate from the man who was running away from her in order to preserve what little was left of his sanity and his life had involved getting into his way, forcing him to stop running - which wasn't something he wanted to do at the moment considering what was behind him - and beating the crap out of him the instant he stopped. The fact that the boy could actually land any blows on him shocked the hell out of him until he remembered how much he'd begun to slow down in his old age.

* * *

"Minato you jerk!" Kushina yelled when her new ex attacked her new boyfriend, who - contrary to the start they had gotten off to - had turned out to be rather shy, and needed an assertive girl to pull him out of his shell. "Stop attacking my boyfriend!"

"Your WHAT? !" Minato yelled from where he had her poor boyfriend pinned to the ground.

"You were mean to me and he wasn't-ttebane!" she explained.

"So you just run off with some stranger in the middle of the night, scaring me and your other teammates who are all out looking for you rather than getting the sleep they desperately need, sleep that you demanded we stop for? !" Minato yelled angrily from where he was standing over her poor boyfriend whom he'd knocked to the ground.

"I didn't run off with him-ttebane!" she replied, just as angry, because Minato was trying to make her sound like the bad guy here. "He carried me off to show his affection for me like a proper Villainous Romantic Interest is supposed to do, but he turned out to be a little shy."

"A proper villainous romantic interest...?" Minato said disbelievingly. "Where the hell do you come up with these things?"

"I don't come up with them, they're in all the best love stories." she replied, wondering why Minato constantly accused her of coming up with just about anything and everything he found odd.

"Whatever, we don't have time for you to be playing with your boyfriend." Minato said coldly. "We were due back in Konoha ages ago."

Kushina sighed as she turned and headed in the direction she thought the Inn that had all her stuff was in. This looked like one of those stories where the lovers were parted by circumstances beyond their control. Well, that didn't mean that she couldn't help things along a bit, as she'd gotten her hands on a few strands of her boyfriend's hair while they were kissing, and she could create a seal that would allow her to find him again when conditions were more favorable for their joining.

* * *

Madara decided that it would be best to continue lying down on the ground not being a threat while the two former lovers quarreled. If their attention turned to him, things could get worse for him. The Uzumaki girl might attempt to drag him off somewhere, and "nurse him back to health". Eventually, the argument between the Uzumaki girl and her ex-boyfriend ended, and they decided to leave him behind.

"If I find out you've touched her..." the ex-boyfriend who was still standing above him hissed at him threateningly as he made the kill sign before departing himself.

He let this slide because wasn't paying too much attention to the fact that he was being threatened by some boy. He was too busy trying not to throw up. He recognized exactly where that -ttebane came from, and well, he wasn't anywhere near interested in that sort of thing. That was something the Hyuuga did, not the Uchiha.


	3. The World Continues to Spin

Practically the minute after she arrived back in Konoha, Kushina started on her plan to find her new "one true love" (Minato having been relegated to the dustbin of memory thanks to how cruelly he'd treated her on the way home). Much like her son after her, when she got an idea into her head, even a wrong one, it would take an act of God to shake it. Right now, the idea that had her all fired up and determined was that she and the mysterious masked man were meant to be, Minato's unwanted interference which had prevented their joyous joining notwithstanding.

One of the consequences of the decided lack of a proper mother figure in Kushina's life during her teen years was that she got a great deal of her views on the way love and marriage worked from Mito's old "romance novels". As a result, her views on these things were rather oddly skewed. But then again, such things happen when one bases their life's philosophy on mismarked porn. Some would argue that there would have been little to no difference if the books in the box marked "Romance Novels" had actually contained such, considering the fact that many such novels are thinly masked smut that has been marketed to a different audience.

Either way, Kushina's ideas on what a working relationship entailed had been heavily influenced by Icha Icha's predecessors. Those who knew this about Kushina had often looked on Minato in jealousy, and Minato - who'd had no other experience in matters of love than Kushina as he'd gotten it right the first time as far as he was concerned - looked back at them in confusion wondering what all the fuss was about, never suspecting that he usually got more in a week than most men got from their girlfriends in a year.

While Kushina was drawing her tracking seal, and sighing about how it was fate that she'd need to use her beloved's hairs to find him, Minato was just shaking his head and sighing at his currently ex-girlfriend's antics, convinced that they'd be back on again in a couple of days after Kushina had gotten over whatever the hell she was pissed about now. It wasn't as if she hadn't had to march in the rain before. Why she thought she could make him jealous by pretending to be in love with the latest jackass to kidnap her, he didn't know.

At least that's what he thought she was doing. He hoped...

* * *

While Kushina was preparing to scour the continent in search of him, Madara was standing in his hideout trying to ignore his creepy tree root clone which had somehow been made out of some unholy combination of his blood and one of the damnable Senju's jutsu. He would've gotten rid of the thing long ago if it hadn't been actively helping to forward his plans believing itself to be him. Besides, having someone around to take reports and hand out some of the more mundane orders while he was out was useful at times. That, and he could rest confidently at night knowing there was someone reliable running things while he was asleep.

Standing in front of Madara awaiting orders were his two Uchiha assistants. One of them was his third cousin twice removed and the other was his second cousin three times removed, and he could never remember which was which. As far as he was concerned, all of his Uchiha assistants were named Tobi after that brain-damaged Kite that kept coming back with tennis balls no matter what he had sent it after. Where the hell the creature had managed to find all of those tennis balls, even when they were in the middle of nowhere, he didn't know. He suspected that the Senju had had something to do with it, but then again, he'd suspected the Senju of just about anything and everything over his lifetime, including filching the house key from under the mat and stuffing it in his brother's pocket when he'd wanted back in after a three-day bender.

Never would the sainted Izuna have locked his own brother out of the house, especially considering how little time they got to spend there between missions.

"I want you two to go fetch Uzumaki Kushina, bring her back here, and make sure she is securely imprisoned." Madara, who'd convinced himself he had been imagining things when he'd made the connection between the girl and Izuna because there was no way in hell he could be related to that...that..._that, _ordered.

Silently, and efficiently, the two moved to comply with his orders. Orders he would severely regret giving very soon, as there are few things more determined, creative, and resourceful than an Uzumaki woman who is convinced she is in love.

**Omake**

Nobody payed all that much attention when the hawk-like bird vanished into a swirling dimensional vortex. There was a Quiddich game on, and besides, it wasn't like the bird didn't do it like every other hour when it popped by to steal random objects that had been left unattended on the grounds. Well almost nobody...

"Brother, isn't that one of yours?" one of that year's Defence Against the Dark Arts professors asked the other who had been sitting beside him half-asleep with boredom, having spotted the snitch seventeen times, eighteen if he counted the last time he'd spotted it as it was winging its way out of this world in the talons of one of his birds.

"Well, I'll be damned." Madara said, a moment later when the vortex closed behind the bird. "I'd always wondered where the hell all those telescopes kept coming from."


End file.
